Treasured

Let’s take a minute to talk about the big ugly monster in the room. The one that is heavy, and you know this because it feels like it is sitting on your chest. It yells out lies to add to your insecurities until you feel completely worthless. It gives you an uncomfortable physical pain that makes you wonder what in the world is going on with your body. Anxiety. Nobody likes to feel it. Nobody likes to talk about it. I don’t like to talk about it because I feel like no one would understand, but that’s just another lie. Everyone feels anxiety at some point. We’re not alone. You’re not alone.

When I became a mother my anxiety grew. The weight of the responsibility for another human life mixed with the truth that I can’t control everything, and I find it very frustrating. Tantrums are especially hard for me. I hear my child crying and hurting, and that hurts me. I usually analyze the situation. Could this tantrum be a result from a trauma in their past? Are they missing someone? Are they sleepy? Hungry? Could they be getting sick? I try to look for any way to fix it, but sometimes it just can’t be fixed. Sometimes the best action I can take is to give them time to process.

I remember a time when we were on vacation at the beach. Our boy had been processing a lot of big emotions around that time. He was only three. The meltdown lasted for a long time. Even after he finally calmed down, I was left feeling heartbroken for him. My Anxiety had a window to crawl through, and the lies began.  Daniel suggested that I go for a walk and I’m glad he did.

I walked. I felt the wind on my face. I walked. I felt the waves brushing over my toes. I walked. I felt the sun’s warmth. I walked. I cried behind my sunglasses and I walked. Faster and faster until somehow, I caught my breath. I stopped and looked down. A large part of the beach was covered in broken sea shells. Tons of tiny broken pieces. They we were once beautiful and whole, but the waves were too powerful and they became destroyed. I couldn’t help but feel a little broken myself. I wanted to be a great mom, and a great wife but I didn’t feel like either. I wanted to make a difference, but I felt worthless. I wanted to fix everything, and take away all of my child’s pain, but knew that was impossible.  I wanted to handle every stress that weighed on me, and every expectation I had for myself, but I couldn’t do it. I felt overwhelmed.

Then, in the midst of all the broken pieces, I saw a complete seashell. It had survived the wreckage. The only word that came to mind was...treasure. It was beautiful and special. Then it hit me: this how God sees me. This world is broken. Life is hard and cruel, and it breaks and chips at us as we pass through it, but because of God’s grace and love we can make it through. He sees us as a treasure.

1 Peter 5:7 says: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

That’s right, the creator of everything cares for you, and wants to hear about those anxieties.

My favorite bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11 and it has been a wonderful reminder that God is “for me,” not “against me.“

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

God isn’t sitting in a la-z-boy eating popcorn and laughing at your pain. It’s not entertaining to him. He loves you and has a plan for you, and you will never be forgotten. He wants you to have hope and a future. That’s amazing!

We need to stop being hard on ourselves. Yes, I said WE because I’m too hard on myself. Stop believing the lies. Life is hard, and frankly it just sucks sometimes. I know that at times the stress and anxiety can be overwhelming, but in those times please surround yourself with people who love, encourage, and pray with you and for you. Know that you are not alone in these feelings. I understand what it feels like when worry and stress consumes and controls, but I fight to remember this lesson.

I picked up that little seashell, and I carry it with me often as a reminder. I am treasured. I am loved. The world may have chipped me but my savior treasures me.