Our First Year
My
husband and I have been fostering for a year now, and what an
adventure it has been for us! A crazy, beautiful, complicated
adventure made up confusing puzzle pieces, heartbreaking moments, and
laughter resulting from silliness and fun. All of this makes a
family. We have learned and grown so much this year. Here’s some
very important lessons that we have learned:
1. We found out what it truly means to trust in God
I thought I knew what this meant before I became a foster parent. I told myself to be content with anything in my life, then my life changed. As a foster parent, many decisions are made for us. Visits start, visits stop, phone calls, no phone calls. There’s not much that I feel in control of. It can be overwhelming, especially when you first start out. The first week I was a parent was a blur, but I do remember breaking down at one point and praying “God, all of this is in your hands.” After that prayer I felt peace. I love to be in control, and most things in life you just can’t control. Great news though: I know who can, and He loves me and my family and wants the best for us.
2. Not all stories have villains
It’s easy to place all blame on the birth parents. I need to remind myself daily to love my children’s biological parents. Do I love everything they have done? No, but I can’t dehumanize them. They’re real people, with real problems, who have made some very big mistakes, but they are still people. My children love them. Christ loves them. I need to choose to love them.
3. Be flexible
I’m slowly learning this lesson. The words “pick your battle” might also be a good way to phrase it. Every child who has come to us had their own routine(or was used to a lack of one), then they entered foster care and everything they once knew was shaken. We allow our children to watch 30 minutes to an hour of TV in the morning, and again in the evening. To some, this may seem like a lot, but to a child who is used to watching it 24/7, and even had one playing all night in their bedroom when they were asleep, it doesn’t feel like enough. We are never flexible on the rules because children need consistency and need to learn a sense of right and wrong. However, we do give our children choices. What shoes do you want to wear today? What would you want from the grocery store? Which blankets and sheets do you want on your bed? Giving them lots of choices helps them feel some sense of control.
4. I gained more respect for my spouse
I always knew my husband would be a good dad. Never having much experience with children, he was nervous, but the role of dad came to him. We were a good team before, but our team grew and we went from a family of two to a family of four overnight. We found out what our strengths and weaknesses were. In time, we adjusted and found our balance. I watched my husband, who I loved and respected, become a dad. In times of chaos he is calm, stern, loving, and exactly who I need. As we grew into our new role, so too did my love and respect for my husband.
5. Don’t forget the social workers!
We wouldn’t be able to do what we do without our Necco and CPS workers. They work long hours and see some terrible situations. They support and encourage us and truly love our children. They don’t just have one client. They have many clients, and they stretch themselves to be professional and caring for each family. They celebrate with us and they cry with us. Before we become impatient or frustrated with them, remember they are on our side. Just like us, they want what is best for our children. If you’re a social worker, I just want to say thank you for your love, sacrifice, and hard work.
6. Don’t forget where they come from
Try to put yourself in the foster child’s shoes. You had a family, friends, home(or what your definition of a home was), a pet, clothes, and toys. Then, through no fault of your own, everything changes. Now you’re being stripped away from everything familiar and brought to a place you’ve never been to, to live with people you’ve never even met, and know nothing about, who know nothing about you. You’re grieving over everything you once had. You have to bear all these changes at once. Do you see how challenging this is? Remember this is a child going through this. Each child comes with likes and dislikes. They have their culture. Don’t expect them to fit perfectly into your idea of family, but mold a new idea of family together.
7. Don’t take it personally
Don’t take it personally if a child doesn’t thank you. Don’t take it personally if they say they hate you. Don’t take personally if they say they don’t want to be at your house. It’s not about you. With patience and consistency they will learn to trust you, but it doesn’t happen overnight.
8. It’s okay to ask for help
This one is really hard for me. When I pictured myself as a mother, I think I might have been wearing a cape. I envisioned myself juggling several situations with ease, but let’s get back to reality. I can’t do it alone, and I wasn’t meant to. If you’re preparing to be a foster parent, then the best advice I can give you is to build your support system. Parents, siblings, church, friends, or whoever, but don’t try to do it all by yourself.
9. Sometimes nothing changes and sometimes everything changes
This is the harsh reality of fostering. We are very pro birth parents and we pray for them daily to make good decisions and become the parents their children need. We want to see reunification even if that means we say the hard goodbyes. Sometimes the parents get it together and we see a family reunited, but a lot of times it doesn’t happen that way. It’s painful to watch, but that doesn’t mean that we stop praying and hoping. For us, this brings it back to trusting God because he knows best.
We are no way experts on fostering, but this is what we have learned and I hope it is helpful and encouraging to you.
1. We found out what it truly means to trust in God
I thought I knew what this meant before I became a foster parent. I told myself to be content with anything in my life, then my life changed. As a foster parent, many decisions are made for us. Visits start, visits stop, phone calls, no phone calls. There’s not much that I feel in control of. It can be overwhelming, especially when you first start out. The first week I was a parent was a blur, but I do remember breaking down at one point and praying “God, all of this is in your hands.” After that prayer I felt peace. I love to be in control, and most things in life you just can’t control. Great news though: I know who can, and He loves me and my family and wants the best for us.
2. Not all stories have villains
It’s easy to place all blame on the birth parents. I need to remind myself daily to love my children’s biological parents. Do I love everything they have done? No, but I can’t dehumanize them. They’re real people, with real problems, who have made some very big mistakes, but they are still people. My children love them. Christ loves them. I need to choose to love them.
3. Be flexible
I’m slowly learning this lesson. The words “pick your battle” might also be a good way to phrase it. Every child who has come to us had their own routine(or was used to a lack of one), then they entered foster care and everything they once knew was shaken. We allow our children to watch 30 minutes to an hour of TV in the morning, and again in the evening. To some, this may seem like a lot, but to a child who is used to watching it 24/7, and even had one playing all night in their bedroom when they were asleep, it doesn’t feel like enough. We are never flexible on the rules because children need consistency and need to learn a sense of right and wrong. However, we do give our children choices. What shoes do you want to wear today? What would you want from the grocery store? Which blankets and sheets do you want on your bed? Giving them lots of choices helps them feel some sense of control.
4. I gained more respect for my spouse
I always knew my husband would be a good dad. Never having much experience with children, he was nervous, but the role of dad came to him. We were a good team before, but our team grew and we went from a family of two to a family of four overnight. We found out what our strengths and weaknesses were. In time, we adjusted and found our balance. I watched my husband, who I loved and respected, become a dad. In times of chaos he is calm, stern, loving, and exactly who I need. As we grew into our new role, so too did my love and respect for my husband.
5. Don’t forget the social workers!
We wouldn’t be able to do what we do without our Necco and CPS workers. They work long hours and see some terrible situations. They support and encourage us and truly love our children. They don’t just have one client. They have many clients, and they stretch themselves to be professional and caring for each family. They celebrate with us and they cry with us. Before we become impatient or frustrated with them, remember they are on our side. Just like us, they want what is best for our children. If you’re a social worker, I just want to say thank you for your love, sacrifice, and hard work.
6. Don’t forget where they come from
Try to put yourself in the foster child’s shoes. You had a family, friends, home(or what your definition of a home was), a pet, clothes, and toys. Then, through no fault of your own, everything changes. Now you’re being stripped away from everything familiar and brought to a place you’ve never been to, to live with people you’ve never even met, and know nothing about, who know nothing about you. You’re grieving over everything you once had. You have to bear all these changes at once. Do you see how challenging this is? Remember this is a child going through this. Each child comes with likes and dislikes. They have their culture. Don’t expect them to fit perfectly into your idea of family, but mold a new idea of family together.
7. Don’t take it personally
Don’t take it personally if a child doesn’t thank you. Don’t take it personally if they say they hate you. Don’t take personally if they say they don’t want to be at your house. It’s not about you. With patience and consistency they will learn to trust you, but it doesn’t happen overnight.
8. It’s okay to ask for help
This one is really hard for me. When I pictured myself as a mother, I think I might have been wearing a cape. I envisioned myself juggling several situations with ease, but let’s get back to reality. I can’t do it alone, and I wasn’t meant to. If you’re preparing to be a foster parent, then the best advice I can give you is to build your support system. Parents, siblings, church, friends, or whoever, but don’t try to do it all by yourself.
9. Sometimes nothing changes and sometimes everything changes
This is the harsh reality of fostering. We are very pro birth parents and we pray for them daily to make good decisions and become the parents their children need. We want to see reunification even if that means we say the hard goodbyes. Sometimes the parents get it together and we see a family reunited, but a lot of times it doesn’t happen that way. It’s painful to watch, but that doesn’t mean that we stop praying and hoping. For us, this brings it back to trusting God because he knows best.
We are no way experts on fostering, but this is what we have learned and I hope it is helpful and encouraging to you.
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